Bar/Bat Mitzvah party

How To Make Their Dreams Come True

Kids…what do they want? For their Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebrations, that is? One Bar Mitzvah I know considered a limo ride into Manhattan with a few friends to see “Blue Man Group” the best way to celebrate his journey into Jewish manhood. Other kids dream their whole lives of being Cinderella or the prince at the ball, guests of honor at a big party tailored just for them.

Many kids, I find, don’t know what they want for their Bar/Bat Mitzvah party until they start attending those of other kids. And by then, their parents can be pretty far down the planning road with too many deposits paid to make any major changes.

When I set out two years ago to write the ultimate Bar/Bat Mitzvah planning book, MitzvahChic, I knew it wouldn’t be complete unless it answered the question what do the kids want? As members of a very plugged-in generation of parents, my friends and I had all consulted our children, of course, when planning their celebrations but even that hadn’t been much help. How many eleven-year-olds really know what they want, or rather will want two years from now? At age 11, they’re still having their birthday parties at bowling alleys and skating rinks; they can barely imagine a grownup party much less give you complete details on planning one for them!

But even if you knew exactly what they wanted, could you even do it, considering that, at a big party, you have a lot of different people to please? A party that includes different generations always involves compromise. A little less Limp Bizkit and a little more Tony Bennett than your child really wants. So, it goes without saying that you won’t be able to make it exactly the way the kids want it (unless they have their own separate party). But at least if you know what they want, you can get pretty close.

This article is excerpted from MitzvahChic and gives views from real live teenagers who’ve actually had their own Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties and attended many others. Parents of teenagers will nod knowingly, though, when I say that they all talked at once so there is no sifting out who said what or any way to statistically analyze which teenager is most like your own child. Nor is there any way to test if this particular batch of teenagers speak for your own pre-teen.

The message of this article is not that you should indulge their every whim when planning their simcha. Kids this age don’t have the experience to know the proper course when navigating the social landscape. Also, some are driven so crazy by the pressure of their situation that literally nothing you can plan or do will be OK with them. Yet, if you throw up your hands and do nothing, waiting for their permission to act, they won’t be happy with the outcome either.

This is a little window into the teenage mind – it may surprise you, confirm that you’re on the right track or let you cross things they’ve identified as “low priority” off your to-do list. Use this article to talk to your child and – if you really disagree – at least to appreciate how universal his/her feelings are.
Are teenagers actually different from us?

One interesting discovery along the way is that although adults think of teenagers as very different from them, the kids actually have similar perceptions about what creates party magic. Many showed an adult-like intolerance for crowding and other discomforts. On the other hand, they were quick to jump into any activity that looked even mildly entertaining and they were very appreciative of any attempt to amuse them.

It’s easy to see why. I interviewed several kids who were finishing 7th Grade, and a school-year’s worth of attending at least one four-hour party virtually every weekend had clearly taken its toll. The excitement they had felt throughout the fall about dressing up and dancing the night away had, by February or March, given way to mind-numbing boredom. All agreed that a party held in the spring had to be ten times as much fun as a September party to be considered half as good.

This is very good news if you’ve read my book and hope to try out some fun-sounding new party ideas. Don’t be discouraged if your child initially doesn’t want to consider deviating from the familiar formulas. As bored as they may be with the old routine, many kids don’t want to be the first to try an untraditional idea, lest it be a humiliating failure. Champion your good ideas and keep talking them up. As the more experienced people, we parents know what works. To win your child over, appeal to that adventure-loving outlaw that lives– alongside the play-it-safe wallflower – within every teen.

If you simply want to do what makes them happy, heed these words….
Should you include them in the planning?

Yes! All our teens recognized the irony of being treated like know-nothing kids when planning the event meant to validate them as adults. Some kids fondly remembered the planning days as an enjoyable time of sharing that gave them insight into their parents’ styles and attitudes as well as into adult values in general.

A few admitted that they felt extremely stressed out whenever the Bar/Bat Mitzvah subject came up and they warn parents not to buy into it if their frazzled child rejects perfectly good party plans. “Planning it should be fun,” one teen noted. To achieve that, let your child choose between options that are all acceptable to you, the parents. Where there’s a split decision, the parents win. This will help drive home the point that it’s good to be an adult!

What kind of party should it be?
There was no ambiguity here. Kids want a kids-only party, with a great DJ, at night. Having one big lunchtime party is a popular concept with parents because it’s time-efficient having the party right after the service and costs across the board are generally cheaper for a daytime affair. But one recent bat mitzvah complained that at her combo adult-child lunch party, she had to spend virtually the whole time talking to people she barely knew rather than enjoying herself with friends.
Kids who are guests at such parties also feel somewhat “under surveillance” by the adults in the room. Overall, the kids recognize the need to “receive” the adults – they’d just prefer to do it away from “their” party, if possible.

How grand does the party need to be?
What mattered most to the kids was having the party their way– their friends, their music, a chance to hang together in a relaxed atmosphere. They enjoy the novelty of an interesting venue or handsome decorating, but these were clearly lower priorities.

Why do they prefer night?
One teen remarked, “it just feels more cool and special” and there were nods all around. Most felt that having the party at night helped to create a sort of “club” atmosphere that was very appealing.
Other kids, being practical, appreciated that having a separation between the service and the party allowed them to go home and change into more comfortable clothes. The kids did not like, however, nighttime parties where everything happened late – no one thought it was a good idea, for example, to serve dinner at 10 p.m.

Change clothes – don’t kids like to dress up?
Most said that the first several “black tie” parties they attended were fun and special. Sample comment: “It was fun to feel pretty and see everyone looking pretty.” Soon, though, the realization set in that “the clothes are uncomfortable” and “it’s hard to dance in a big dress.”
Boys tend to wear suits and girls wear dresses to services. All would prefer to be in their normal casual clothes when it’s party time.

What’s wrong with eating at 10 p.m.?
Teenagers are hungry almost all the time. The classic format of a party that starts with a cocktail hour followed by a long foodless pause, then food, then nothing doesn’t suit their needs at all. First, they’re bored to death during the cocktail hour (so plan an activity for them!). Then, once the party is rolling and they’re engaged with their friends, they may miss the food service completely.
The best situation for teenagers is food that’s available most of the evening: either a low-maintenance buffet, or food on request off pushcarts or a snackbar.
And another thing about food…

The kids all complained – nicely – about the double standard in food. While the adults dine sumptuously, the kids usually have their own menu; food that suggests they’re large-size toddlers. With burned chicken fingers, soggy fries and bland overcooked pasta as the standards, the food is dismal and, as Woody Allen quipped, the portions are too small.

Most caterers offer a kid’s menu at a discount (though not always a big discount) from the adult price and financially burdened hosts gratefully accept.

What you need to watch out for is that occasionally a disreputable caterer will use this kid’s menu as a way to boost profits at little expense to him. The worst-case scenario is this: the caterer serves the kids food that is shockingly bad. He doesn’t even have to bring enough for everyone because he knows they’re not going to eat it anyway. Meanwhile, the hosts, busy entertaining their adult friends, aren’t even aware the kids are going hungry.

Intentional or not, the point is not lost on the kids. They’ve gone to as much bother and shown as much commitment as the adults in coming to this event, but they are not equally valued.
You don’t need to serve the kids expensive food, but make sure they get something really good. And also be aware that even at this young age, some kids are vegetarians, so be sure to offer some variety.
How to pick the place...

Our teenagers sounded like adults on the subject of party halls. They enjoy going to interesting places – one fondly remembered a party held in a famous science museum – but mainly a party space should just be comfortable and appropriate. As long as there’s enough room for everyone to hang out together by a dance floor and DJ, they’re basically happy.

Rooms that are too big or too ugly were considered mistakes largely because of the expense hosts then incur trying to make them look better. A better alternative to extreme decorating, the kids suggested, is simply to turn down the house lights and use alternative lighting like candles and the DJ-supplied disco lights. “The darker, the better,” one concluded.
… and the all-important DJ.

Here again many voices spoke as one: no overweight guys in their forties bursting out of their funky glitter party vests and shouting for everyone to do the macarena! The kids want young, cool DJs who know their music and probably listen to it themselves. Don’t pick a master of shtick – someone who considers himself the show – unless you’re filming the sequel to “Dirty Dancing”.
Should we play games?

The kids well understood the power of games in breaking the ice and revving up the party’s energy, and gave them a big thumbs-up. As one said, they make “things get fun sooner.” Surprisingly, these young sophisticates were very fond of the goofy prizes they got for playing. One particularly chic young woman happily reported that she had six pairs of inflatable shoes in her closet at that very moment.
That same girl also provided a useful tip: her DJ had asked the family to supply him with some really good prizes ($5 gift cards to the local video rental store) to keep the interest level up as the evening progressed.

What about other entertainment?
The kids really appreciated having something fun to do beyond dancing. Particularly as the school year wears on and the tedium sets in, you almost have to have something more going on. The kids didn’t particularly like passive ideas – such as sitting for a caricature portrait – that took them out of the party. They much preferred entertainments like karaoke that let friends play and party together. Even a photo booth where digital photos are made into key chains, ID cards and magazine covers was a good opportunity to have fun with friends by posing together.
Having beautiful “masks” painted on their faces by airbrush, although it’s passive, was also a hit because the kids returned to the action looking really good.

Do you need to give out party favors?
Strictly speaking, no. But, some teens shyly admitted that the promise of a good giveaway was almost the only thing that could motivate them to attend the last several parties of the year.
And what items make good giveaways? Here there were some real surprises – the kids liked practical everyday things: sweatshirts, flannel pants, flip-flops, decks of cards, flashlights, towels, gym bags, and socks. They have to be good quality, though. No one wanted a beach towel that’s so thin you could fold it up and put it in your pocket. Also, no one wanted another T-shirt or scrub-suit…ever. (Visit http://www.mitzvahchic. com/pages/party_favors.php to see the full collection they picked!)
Parents should also, I’m told, resist the urge to imprint something clever on the item. If you must imprint, your child’s name alone will do. Everyone also agreed that they would cherish, as a giveaway, any “cool” thing. I leave it to you and the psychic hotline to divine what that would be.
Should there be a theme?

This is (I hope) not a $100,000 question, but certainly adds potential big bucks to your budget depending on the scale of your party. The teenagers, like most adults, enjoyed the thrill of a big idea carried through the decorations, party favors and activities.
They also agreed, though, that a theme wasn’t really necessary and that small ideas or themes with no passion behind them were hardly worth the effort. “You shouldn’t have a color as the theme,” one commented, “and don’t say the theme is ‘the beach’ and then just put a bucket of sand in the middle of the table.”

A last detail: sign-in boards
This is a puzzle – what to use that you’ll want to keep over the years? The simplest idea is a poster-size enlargement of the invitation mounted on foamcore, but will it become something you want to display forever?

The teenagers thought this was one place where you could really get creative and they remembered two friends who had: one had a chair for everyone to sign; the other brought her actual bedroom door! Finally they decided, though, that for parents who don’t want to figure out how to bring a door to a party, “a book is good.”

Consider also having guests sign and doodle on squares of fabric with colorful fabric markers. Then, if they look nice, you can have them made into a memory quilt.
Final thoughts

You may by now be feeling some indignation…Oh, so soggy fries aren’t good enough, huh? At their age, we dipped sticks in ketchup and pretended they were soggy fries! Well, before you dismiss this current generation as jaded teens, I need to say that I was extremely impressed by the sincerity and goodwill of the kids I spoke to. They intuitively understood at a young age how important it was to put themselves aside to be present, emotionally supporting each of their friends through a stressful experience. They had tried consistently, under sometimes difficult conditions, to be good guests.
They were, in short, the emerging adults their bar and bat mitzvah ceremonies said they had become. We should all recognize the enormity and grace of that achievement. I thank them for their honesty and I hope by writing this article I have brightened their chances of being understood, respected and wowed by every party from here on.

Gail Anthony Greenberg is the author of the bestselling book MitzvahChic, A New Approach to Hosting a Bar or Bat Mitzvah That is Meaningful, Hip, Relevant, Fun & Drop-Dead Gorgeous. Visit www.mitzvahchic.com/BGA to buy the book, find Bar/Bat Mitzvah ideas and resources, sign up for emailed planning reminders, create a gift registry, talk to Gail, and find many other services.